the neon suck square scam artists by Adam Johnson
so to understand this little tale
you have to know a thing
or two about human nature
and just a smidge about crack rock
and light squares
so i’ll try to tell it with a fidelity to history and the like it was told to me by a barfly who sucked on avocados and vinegar wine he said that in cleveland there was this certain inventor who made up a game called "neon suck squares," essentially, etc.
so to play you have to suck air through a straw to move a small piece of crack rock across a game board each square is impressed with a buffy the vampire slayer bust in profile all discrete and surrounded by neon all variegated etc. the neon lights up when the crack rock hits the square
and the small corner of buffy's lips curl up
most discreetly and such it’s that kind of game, see neon lights… piss dreams… heart attack angel drunk light fights and the laughter of david alan grier
only split with a crack rock theory well
back to my story well a small crew made a knock-off board game
they called it neon squares and hucked it to marks the stupid fucks who fall for any kind of semi-legit looking suck square game they cased all urban and suburban society for the dreary and needy the down trodden single dads in the outback dive hours the alcoholic moms who drank in the grocery store in a word, the weeknight technique artists they’d latch on a door to door job hucking game boards “neon squares” for $99.99 by milt and brandon trademarked in nickelodeon universe by yeah you guessed it a few of the pieces resemble Ryan of course he’s like a golden rook etc. it’s advertised as 13-plus the typical chess-flesh warning expected from the california lawyers but enough on that
the scam artists made about 18 grand in two months but they ran into the wrong cat the one from sioux falls... the one who read voltaire, apparently and such
he said you see the first time I had my palm read I knew this day would come, see, I can see all points past and present like a vulcans mirror and I know this ain’t a real suck square board, I wrote my senior thesis on freudian slips and such, and look here, this bust of sarah michelle gellar inside the squares is from cruel intentions, not buffy, and what’s more the squares don’t pop like crystal yeah they’re neon but only at a kind of angle see and he held the board up under a lamp and revealed that the squares were chromed over and not authentic neon which proved his point
well one of the scammers beat it
while the two others
flimflammed and hawed
and one of them said see i called it
and went into a closet to die in orgasm
or that's what he said
so there was left only
one scam artist standing
but the cat from sioux falls
ended up falling in love with the game
in any event and such
he said i don't care if it's a knock-off
it's genuine and the gellar profile
is even better
i'm a Ryan fan after all
and so the sioux falls cat and
the only truly living scammer
sat down to watch i know what
you did last summer, lit a crack
pipe, and put their feet up
and that was that
ace-deuce-three
Adam Johnson lives in Minneapolis, Minnesota