Tarantula Sandra by Sarah Grey
Whap Bap Bap
Tarantula Sandra will pick up your weed,
strewn on the ground,
tangled in cat hair.
Smoke it up!
Cat hair weed!
Whap! Bap! Bap!
Tarantula Sandra is here for you—
Poke you in the rib cage.
Because she is Tarantula Sandra.
She’ll stop at your child’s lemonade stand,
buy a cup of garbage,
and ask for a royalty.
You didn’t see—
Tarantula Sandra changed the sign:
TARANTULA LEMONADE BY SANDRA $5
Whap bap bap! Ba-aaa-p!
Tarantula Sandra has jokes.
The joke is always on you.
Watch your sweater for spilled milk!
It’s expired.
Kept secret.
Hidden in the fridge—
behind the Miracle Whip nobody notices.
There, just in case
Tarantula Sandra needs your yellow sweater
Doused in a new yellow: rotten dairy chunks.
Walap bap bap bap!
Tarantula Sandra sits at her desk,
waiting.
For anyone.
She’ll stick out a leg or five.
Trip you on your feet.
Gotta keep you off your toes,
That’s what she’d say.
But not the old man
Or the librarian
Or the butcher,
If they even existed anymore.
With the extinction of the butchery,
Tarantula Sandra has been back at the web.
spinning
idling
webbing
But she’d rather capitalize
Your daughter’s lemonade stand.
(did I mean son?—Tarantula Sandra deems herself gender neutral)
Or buy milk in sheer wait of the spoilage.
Or enter into a Tetris contest under the category
“two-handed” just to sucker fifty-year-olds out of $50.
Or read about President Nixon on Windows 98.
She can be caught in the mirror,
Practicing “I am not a crook!”
But, alas,
Whap bap bap!
Tarantula Sandra spends her paycheck on mulberry silk,
Shipped from Thailand.
To spin her webs.
Where have all the butchers gone?
Sarah Grey (she/her) has been featured in Thrillist for Milwaukee event calendars as well as Red Fez Publications for her short story, “Eggs Break”. She’s taught English at Carroll University and Brookfield Central High School. Currently, she’s a contributing editor for Red Fez Publications but gets paid for making cocktails and selling eyeglasses. Her girlfriend Katie and their dog Juniper frequent adventures in this unstable world.