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  You could have a big dipper   

Spud the Potato Farmer by Matthew McGuirk

His name wasn’t Spud and he didn’t do much farming, but when the other students found out he was from Ireland and his family had a potato patch, he had no chance. Spud wasn’t popular and he was a target: thick glasses, thin body and walked a little weird because of a childhood accident. The bigger kids began shoving him into lockers, pulling cash from his pockets, sending spitballs into his hair and any other tortures you could think of. Spud was quiet and didn’t approach the teachers or principal and the other kids were too cunning to be caught.

He started solving one of the issues by bringing in various potato dishes for lunch and not carrying cash. He brought potato salad, fries, potato wedges, baked potatoes and mashed potatoes. Food only solved one problem, but he still came home with strategically placed bruises and shook spitballs from his hair class after class.

Spud was sick of the punishment, sick of the insults and sick of the bullies. He decided to get revenge! He made his way to school, tardy for the first time in his education. All the bullies sat in class throwing words at Spud, even in his absence. As everyone quieted and the teacher began the lesson, there was a shattering of glass and a flying potato hit the first and most egregious offender in the head. He shook his shaggy hair back and forth looking for the culprit when a second came hitting him in the nose. Potato after potato broke the windows pelting the various students who had caused him harm. When they finally saw that the barrage was coming from the hill outside, they looked up and there was Spud wielding his potato slingshot stretched between two large oak trees with a smile as wide as anyone had ever seen. Potatoes rained down on the students that tortured him, crashing spuds came through classroom windows and his plan had worked. Spud knew he might get a beating, but he had his backpack full of fingerlings to go down swinging when they got too close.


Matt McGuirk(he/him) teaches and laughs at his puns by day and scribbles somewhat coherent words nightly. He lives with his family in New Hampshire. Words in The Daily Drunk Magazine, Goat’s Milk, Idle Ink, Maudlin House, Sledgehammer Lit, Versification and others. Twitter handle: @McguirkMatthew and Instagram @mcguirk_matthew.

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