or; even / though / back / then
even though back then
my bed was but a mattress on the floor, amidst scattered parts
I had no desk nor dresser nor nightstand
and I hadn’t yet gotten your help constructing
even though back then
our TV was not propped up
and we didn’t know how to use the fireplace heater
and we didn’t know each other’s buttons we’d press
and even though back then
our shower head was not as strong, no misting function
our deep blue bath mat would flatten and dirty fast
and I had no bright red beanbag to curl up in
even though back then
there was less we had figured out, puzzle pieces without picture
I long for back then
when I exclaimed excitement in echoing halls
about how I can’t wait to sleep over at my own house;
when we sat on the floor, watching film from a laptop,
awaiting furniture that we’d later find too stiff
and in desperate need of pillows;
when we picked out fantasy curtains, watercolor
and fairytale birds and sheer willow leaves;
when we cooked/ordered food, the first of many
feasts and dessert experiments (though our first
pie would turn out bland and dumplings an allergy);
when we walked downtown for the first time
and contemplated reluctances to hugs
and hanging plants to have;
when the electric light fell down
and we gasped collectively at its ceiling wiring
awkwardly hanging like an anglerfish,
grasped broken straws over the bookcase in the nook.
I long for back then
even though we couldn’t have known, I long for back then,
when not being close yet was no pain but
possibility, anticipation, potential best friend,
potential sister, you called me,
I long for back then, even though I didn’t love yet
I long for back then
even though
Ellen Huang is published/forthcoming in X-Ray Lit, Next Door Villain, VIBE, Prismatica, Wrongdoing Magazine, Resurrection Mag, and more. She reads for Whale Road Review and is currently working on a fairy tale chapbook and an ace horror anthology. You should see her semi-spiritual blog: worrydollsandfloatinglights.wordpress.com