
only hair by John Gerard Fagan

like many Scottish boys growing up
my hero was the Swedish footballer Henrik Larsson
not only was he brilliant for Celtic, he had the best hair I’d ever seen
dreadlocks down to his shoulders
that’s what I wanted
so when I was 19 in Thailand and saw two wee ladies offering dreadlocks as one of their hair options I sat down and got them in
they had steel combs and it felt like my hair was being ripped from the skull
had to sleep face down as my scalp was raw
but home a few days later they looked magic
at my part-time job at the local hotel they looked at me with an eyebrow raised
I couldn’t work there with that hair style
so after some deliberation I took them out
but after six months of growing my hair I decided they could piss off
the dreadlocks were coming back with a vengeance
my mum did the back of my head
I did the front
thought I’d keep them till the summer and see
but I looked after them
kept them clean with non-fragrant shampoo and beeswax
they became part of my identity
I finally cut them all off 14 long years later while living in Tokyo
felt like I was losing a part of myself
but after a while I realised a change was long over due
Henrik was almost 50 and had short grey hair
it was only hair
only hair
I had attributed far too much to it
it didn’t define me
time to move on.
John Gerard Fagan is a Scottish writer and author of Fish Town. @JohnGerardFagan