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I Love My John Belushi: A Testimonial by GRSTALT

I’ve had my John Belushi for three months and it’s really starting to sync with my life. Or I’m starting to sync with it. That’s part of the agreement. We benefit each other.

My John Belushi is always waiting for me when I get up. We do some classic sketches together while I’m in the bathroom. My John Belushi is set to Animal House (1978). But there are other settings you can choose on your John Belushi. Some of them are intense.

On the street people stop to interact with my John Belushi. I always get my breakfast for free when I tell my John Belushi to do the samurai bit. It always kills.

I don’t regret signing up for the program. My John Belushi is getting more intuitive every day. It knows when I need a boost. It knows all the lines that crack me up. When we’re sitting on the couch together and I can feel that horrible lurch way down in that awful part of me when I start thinking about everything that I’ve fucked up to get here.

My John Belushi has enhanced my life in so many ways. It definitely makes talking to women easier. If I turn up at a party with my John Belushi I know that everyone’s eyes will be on us.

Unless there’s someone with a Chris Farley. Then things get a little wild. Like two coke-bloated buffalos butting heads and screaming catchphrases. When that happens I’ve got to contact the lab and get them to “Chateau Marmont” my John Belushi so I can drag it into a cab.

This is a pilot program so there’s going to be some kinks along the way. That’s why we’re helping the lab. To make sure every model is perfect when they’re rolled out.

The lab chose people they knew needed it first. Before I had my John Belushi I couldn’t get out of my apartment most days. I was scared to go into the bathroom because I thought the floor had been electrified by SEAL Team Six. I ate wet paper towels – lemon-scented. I threw my shit onto the fire escape. They threw me out for the smell of it.

But now there’s smiles wherever I go. It’s so good to have a John Belushi for when it gets darkest. My John Belushi just keeps going. Some nights I have to set my John Belushi to Taken Seriously because I’m laughing so much that my tummy hurts.

I hope that everybody gets to experience the feeling of dressing up as Jake and Elwood and riding their scooters through the park or shopping for power drills.

You won’t regret signing up.


About GRSTALT: GRSTALT is a kind of artistic clearinghouse. It could be a collective or an algorithm. It is a means of circumventing the construct of 'the author'. Decoupled from its creator, a work can become the floating entity it was meant to be; identity founders, preconceptions dissipate. True freedom is the ability to throw out all the trappings of the singular authorial viewpoint, to thrust the 'master' from their pedestal. To remain marginal, anonymous, is to bend to the times, to embrace the dehumanizing logic of the 'brand'. The Twitter Site: @grstaltcomms

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