How to Plant Relationships When You Have No Idea What You’re Doing by Jessica Purgett
Roses
Step 1: Research
Roses are a lot of work. But you won’t know that until you get started. You’ll see the roses, a signal of love, and become enamored. You won’t know they are hard to care for and aloof until it’s too late. By then, you’ll be attached, overlooking the fungal diseases arising from your constant overwatering of attention.
But wait—let’s not get ahead of ourselves here. Maybe roses are your flower. Give them a try.
Step 2: Plant
Find a place with at least five to six hours of sunlight every day. Avoid planting your roses near trees or shrubs. They will get jealous and compete for nutrients, water, and light.
Step 3: Care
Roses require at least an inch of water weekly throughout their growing season.
Don’t give them too much attention. Remember, they will become overwhelmed and die.
Here comes the best part! Pruning! You can take control of the rose plant. Make cuts about 1/4 inch above the bud eyes and prune out any twiggy or unhealthy branches. This way, you can get rid of all the ugly and keep the beautiful blossoms.
Don’t be discouraged when the unhealthy branches grow back, you have to keep trimming them.
Oh, you don’t like the roses? I didn’t think you would. But sometimes you have to figure it out for yourself, you know?
Sacuanjoche
Step 1: Research
Sacuanjoche is a flower found in warmer regions. It’s feather-white blossoms are infused with a yolky yellow middle.
It’s a beautiful flower and— wait — you’re going to plant this in Wisconsin? You know Wisconsin is cold, right? Well…okay…as long as you know it’s not going to last…
Where were we? Oh yes. The sacuanjoche flowers are most fragrant at night so they can lure sphinx moths to pollinate them.
The funniest part is that the flowers have no nectar! The flowers are good at duping—be mindful of that.
Step 2: Planting
Do you actually still want to do this?
I don’t know what to tell you—I have no idea how to plant this in Wisconsin.
Can’t you pick an easier flower?
I guess you can plant it in the summer and see what happens?
Step 3: Care
Sacuanjoche doesn’t require much attention—just check in on it from time to time. Make sure it’s not starting to resent you for making it put roots down in Wisconsin. After the roses fiasco, have you learned not to be so overbearing?
Hey, the temperature is getting cooler—maybe it’s time to bring the sacuanjoche inside.
Is it okay? I know about as much as you do.
It doesn’t look so good…
I think you should just pick an easier flower.
Coneflower
Step 1: Research
I’m glad you finally chose an easy flower to take care of.
(Took you long enough.)
The coneflower grows best in zones 5-8 which—hey! That’s where you live!
Coneflowers are notoriously hard to kill.
This seems like a good choice for you.
Step 2: Plant
Coneflowers need six or more hours of sun and mulch to keep them moist during dry periods.
That’s it! Super simple.
Step 3: Care
Coneflowers are drought-tolerant and low-maintenance.
They’re beautiful and…perfect for you. Just…perfect.
They don’t require pruning like roses or special care like the tropical sacuanjoche.
I think you’re going to like this flower.
Jessica Purgett is an avid reader who writes sometimes. She is the editor-in-chief of The Mark Literary Review. Twitter: @literarymark