Take Cressida’s wedding. Before you start, make sure you have prepared everything. Don’t be caught without your spice, neatly tucked into your handbag so no one will see it when you nip round behind the wall for a quick toke. Lay out your ingredients for the perfect day, because after all Cressida has one on you and you don’t want her blabbing when the bubbly starts to flow. You must have cream in the flowers, to match her off-white dress. Your camera mustn’t make anyone look too fat, so I hope you remembered to spend some of your drug money on touching-up software.
Blend the guests well. There’s Cressida’s friend from her school days, Evangeline. You might want to add her to the table with Hugo. Such a dear soul, though he does tend to beat it whenever someone warms up next to him, so you might need to cool him down by lacing his drink with ice. Though that could have the opposite effect, of course.
Mix guests well using a fun name game. Ignore groans. Add champagne, but save the best bottles for the top table for God’s sake or you won’t hear the last of it. Separate girls from boys, then whizz them around the dance floor until salmon pinks and shocking sky-blues-shot-with-brick-dust blend in with grey top hats and tails, creating a rich creamy effect. Resist licking. It would not go down well.
Heat the room with your music mix. Then, the pièce de résistance - top it all off by whipping the best man. Cressida won’t care by then. Sprinkle liberally with some of that spice you’ve been hiding. Then lie back and watch the dance.
Bonnie is a novelist, memoirist and flash fiction writer, based in Greater Manchester. Her words have appeared in various literary journals, including Dear Damsels and Reflex Press. She grows disobedient vegetables, hill walks, dances, and travels alarming distances to people she loves who live far away. Twitter: @bonniemeekums