editorial notes on a to-do list, march 2021 by Tori Ashley Matos

CW: Covid, death

as i think about it

i wouldn’t

know how to get

to the train anymore.

i wouldn’t know how

to put money on my—

that word’s gone.

i cannot remember kissing.

in theory i can

if daydream can be made theory

in as many coffee mugs

make up a year.

i am heavy—

body bigger yes,

but heavier in time.

it must be very american to think

that time has found a way

to keep its diary

around the cavern of me.

but i know the tickle

inside me is a clock

and i have never known fear

like trying to outrun

time

when it pumps my blood for me.

i cannot imagine the way a bar smells.

it was standing water

maybe cologne

and beer and endings and beginnings and fluids.

vapor.

they have moleculized into the ozone.

the ozone that we

have spent time away from

o imagine wasting

anything’s golden years

the way we’ve wasted

so many rebirths.

i remember breathing while i walked—

always forward.

that’s the thing about it.

and it takes

that breath away.

of all the things i forget

i still remember what forward

felt like.

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tori ashley matos is a trans non-binary and afro-latinx poet and actor based in nyc. they graduated from NYU's Tisch School of the Arts and have been published in no, dear mag, perhappened, lickity split, cobra milk, curlew quarterly, and more. follow them on instagram @toriashleymatos or twitter @torireadsagain