Dear Pastor by Kasimma
Join me in thanking God. I don blow! Her Majesty, Chimamanda, hugged me; Ake is following me.
Write me again when Jesus is following you.
2. Dear Pastor,
I'm living in darkness. Please pray for me.
You do not need prayers. What you need to do is to give your life to Christ. If after doing that and you are still living in darkness, dear Joshua, please, for goodness sake, pay your electricity bill.
3. Dear Pastor,
People mock me for my pink lips. Please pray for me so that I can have black lips.
What you need is a black eye pencil for your lips. Your prescription is 1-1-1
4. Dear Pastor,
Nigerian men are not romantic. Where can I find a romantic man?
Kindly check the cross of Calvary.
5. Dear Pastor,
People see my hips first before my face. Please pray for me that I may not mislead men.
Be courageous for the hips don’t lie.
6. Dear Pastor,
This is really difficult to say. What I want to say is, initially, okay let us look at it this way. In the first instance, when, initially...
Jebezie n'anyị anụgo. Please come and be going.
7. Dear Pastor,
People say I look like Prince Harry. I don’t know why.
What did you say the colour of your hair is again?
8. Dear Pastor,
My job does not permit me to get married. But when I think of Aiwa…
Who says love is not part of one’s priestly duties?
9. Dear Pastor,
Teach me how to stop blowing grammar.
Joy (the mathematician).
Come back after you’ve found X.
10. Dear Pastor,
Please pray that God will change their heart of those who don’t like my smile.
I am looking at your picture now. What are you doing? Smiling or advertising for powdered toothpaste?
11. Dear Pastor,
Sir, ask God to send down manna for me. I’m hungry.
Please don’t be greedy. You already got an apple in your throat.
12. Dear Pastor,
Please advise me on how to aggressively shepherd Christ’s sheep.
With love from Germany,
Just keep being an aggressive German shepherd.
13. Dear Pastor,
I want to be a model.
Dear Kiss Daniel,
You think you can deceive a woman of God?
14. Dear Pastor,
Pray for me so that I can be like Naira Marley.
Go forth and start keeping dada hair.
15. Dear Pastor,
Do you think I am a good writer?
Who am I to judge? But I know that you are a good dancer.
16. Dear Pastor,
Please ask God to send me a man who will sing to me when I’m down.
Don’t you think God is already stressed out? Go inside Indian film and pick one man there.
17. Dear Pastor,
Follow me and thank God o! I got a new job. Please is your office in the church? I want to bring my tithe?
No, my office is in the grave. Kindly receive sense. This extra prayer will cost you to sow, not just your tithe, but your entire first salary. Onyinye, obey God!
18. Dear Pastor,
I need the living water that Jesus talked about. The one he said that if you drink, you will never get thirsty again. How do I get it?
Sachet water is ten naira. Option two is for you to relocate to your village river. Please I am unable to can, abeg.
19. Dear Pastor,
Amsterdam is too cold. Please pray for us so that we can get sun here.
Go and rub body; you shall get son.
20. Dear Pastor,
People cannot just stop calling me IOWA. I keep correcting them all the time. It’s becoming exhausting.
Dear Iowa, sorry, Aiwa,
I know of people who answer Ndiana, Virginia, and Georgina. We never hear their gongon. Peace be still!
21. Dear Pastor,
One thing about me: I love dogs.
Do you mean hot dogs?
22. Dear Pastor,
My Nigerian friends make fun of me because I cannot pronounce their names correctly. I'm taking language lessons now.
What you should take is music lessons: do-re-mi = o-nyi-nye.
23. Dear Pastor,
My mother suggested to me to write a book about horticulture, but I wrote a book about fine boys instead.
What exactly is your prayer point? All of us, especially your mother, already know you are a fine boy. That is why she said you should write about horticulture, but you chose to disobey her. Wehdone!
24. Dear Pastor,
Someone told you to rejoice with him that Ake is following him. Is it that you don’t want Ake to follow him or what?
This is just to say; that I have one more letter to respond; and which yours happen to be before the last; forgive me, but I want Jesus to follow him as well.
25. Dear Pastor,
Please pray for me...
Eeh, Dear Chimamanda,
Say no more. Kindly open the Bible (New Revised Standard Version), and read the second clause of Mark 1:7 (be sure to replace “his” with “your”). Then sow a seed of that your red lipstick abi na lip balm that has the egg shape of a roll-on.
26. Dear Pastor,
Eeh, no more letters please. A woman of God needs a break. Local man can’t deal abeg.
Kasimma is from Igboland. She is an alumna of Chimamanda Adichie’s Creative Writing Workshop, Masterclass with Chigozie Obioma, SSDA Flow workshop, and others. She’s been a writer-in-residence in artists’ residencies across Africa, Asia, and Europe. Her works have appeared or are forthcoming on The Puritan Magazine, Kikwetu Journal, Native skin, Jellyfish Review, The Book Smuggler’s Den, Afreecan Read, Orbis Journal, Cacti fur, The Bombay Review, Trampset. Find out more about her on her website: www.kasimma.com. Say hello to her on twitter: @kasimmam.